Mindlessness
by Red Witch
Summary: Don't you need a mind in order to do a mindfulness exercise?


**I'm mindful of the disclaimer saying I don't own any Archer characters. Here is more madness from my tiny little brain. **

**Mindlessness **

"Another stupid meeting, another headache," Ray grumbled as the Figgis Agency made their way into conference room.

"Maybe Cyril found us a job?" Lana asked hopefully.

Ray gave her a look. "And maybe I'll discover I have the power to fly and cause men to fall hopelessly in love with me just by looking at them? I highly doubt it."

"Try jumping out the window!" Cheryl suggested cheerfully.

"You first," Ray said dryly.

"All right settle down people," Cyril said as everyone took their seats. "Today we're going to do an exercise that will improve life at the office."

"You're leaving and moving to another state?" Pam asked.

"No," Cyril sighed. "We're…"

"Going on a group trip to Tahiti?" Ray asked.

"No," Cyril said. "We're…"

"Getting a pool table installed?" Krieger asked.

"No!" Cyril snapped. "We are…"

"Going to set the building on fire?" Cheryl asked hopefully. "Collect the insurance. Run off to Costa Rica and then take over that country in a coup?"

"NO!" Cyril snapped. "We are…"

"Doing something stupid," Lana said.

**"No!"** Cyril snapped. "Today we're talking about mindfulness!"

"Lana wins," Pam quipped.

"Damn!" Krieger snapped his fingers.

"You're good at this game," Cheryl said to Lana.

"We're going to try these mindfulness tips I found online," Cyril said. "It's supposed to help make this office more productive."

"Well it couldn't make it less productive," Ray rationalized.

"Testify," Lana sighed.

Cheryl raised her hand. "I have a question."

"When do you not?" Cyril groaned.

"What the hell is mindfulness?" Cheryl asked.

Ray blinked. "I'd like to know that one myself."

"Me too," Krieger agreed.

Cyril looked at the paper in front of him. "Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging one's feelings and body sensations."

Cheryl blinked. "No, seriously. What **is** it?"

"It's what we're doing for the next half hour," Cyril snapped. "Unless God willing, I win the lottery. Or everyone here has an aneurysm."

"Pray for the aneurysm," Ray groaned.

"Cyril, I hate to say this," Lana sighed. "But this does sound like a waste of time."

"Oh God!" Cheryl paled. "If **you're **saying that, then this is bad!"

"Cheryl!" Cyril snapped.

"What?" Cheryl said. "Lana's always into this modern new age hippy-dippy shit! But if **she's** not on board…"

"No offense," Pam said to Lana.

"No, I get it," Lana said. "This is a waste of time."

"Do you have anything **better** to do Lana?" Cyril snapped. "Because last I checked we don't have any clients today! That means we're doing **this!"**

"Come on aneurysm," Ray groaned.

"I would think that you people would appreciate something that would help your emotional well-being at the office!" Cyril snapped. "Considering more than half of you are about as stable as nitroglycerin in a blender!"

"Let's just get this over with," Lana groaned.

"Things you've said to Cyril on date nights," Pam quipped.

"PAM!" Cyril snapped.

"What? Am I wrong?" Pam asked.

"Can we please just focus for a few minutes?" Cyril groaned.

"If we could we wouldn't need the exercises, would we?" Krieger quipped.

"Exercise One," Cyril read from a piece of paper.

"Out of how many?" Ray asked.

"Shut up!" Cyril snapped.

"That's not very mindful," Pam remarked.

"Exercise One," Cyril pressed on. "Mindful breathing."

"I know how to breathe Cyril!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "I've been choked enough to do it pretty well!"

"Mindful breathing!" Cyril snapped. "Breathe in slowly, focusing on nothing but that."

Pam asked. "You want us to do that _now?_"

"No, I want you to do it a week from **Tuesday**!" Cyril snapped. "Yes! Now! Everybody stand up!"

"I'm starting to miss the meetings where Mallory just yells at us," Lana groaned as they did so.

"Me too," Krieger said. "What? Ms. Archer's sexy when she's mad."

"Give me a second to purge that image from my mind," Cyril groaned. "Now everyone take a deep breath through your nose."

Everyone did so loudly. "Exhale slowly through the mouth…" Cyril demonstrated. The others followed. "Inhale…Exhale… Focus only on your breathing."

"Boring!" Cheryl pouted.

"How long do we have to do this?" Pam asked.

"For about five minutes," Cyril said.

"Pass," Pam groaned.

"You expect us to just stand around and breathe?" Ray asked. "Basically, doing nothing?"

"Why not?" Cyril snapped. "That's what you people do pretty much all the time!"

"Cyril, you might as well skip ahead," Lana said. "This group does not have the biggest attention span."

Cheryl raised her hand. "What are we doing again?"

"Exercise Two," Cyril sighed. "Mindful immersion. Stop and savor what you are doing for a few minutes. Don't be in a rush to get things done. Be patient."

"Yeah, yeah, patience," Pam said. "Don't be in a rush. How long is **this** going to take?"

"Let's move this along," Krieger added.

"We got stuff to do," Cheryl said.

"Exercise Three," Cyril decided to go on. "Practicing acceptance."

"Ooh," Ray and Pam said.

"It's not what you think," Cyril told him.

"Awww…" They said as one.

"You must learn to accept your feelings in order to deal with them," Cyril went on.

"I wish somebody told me that during my teenage years," Ray quipped.

"No, I mean…" Cyril sputtered. "If you're upset about certain circumstances, instead of denying your feelings…You must accept that you are upset so you can move past them."

"That has got to be one of the dumbest things I have ever heard," Pam said. "And I've been listening to Cheryl for almost fifteen years!"

"Yeah!" Cheryl snapped.

"Who the hell denies they are upset when they clearly are?" Ray snapped.

"Unless you're doing it as part of a power play in a relationship," Pam pointed out. "You know? When the person you're with does something dumb or says something stupid to embarrass you. And later they ask what's wrong? And you say nothing. But your tone clearly indicates that there is something."

"That's not an office thing," Lana added. "Besides I learned a long time ago that doesn't work with Archer so…"

"Number Four," Cyril said. "Taking breaks…"

"Okay!" Ray said. "See ya!" He ran out using his super speed.

"Good idea!" Pam said as the others ran out. "Let's take a break! At the nearest bar!"

"Maybe this mindfulness shit isn't so bad after all?" Cheryl said.

"I certainly got something out of it," Krieger said. "And now I'm getting some drinks into me!"

"Just go," Lana sighed as they ran. "Just go!"

They left Cyril alone. "Okay…meeting adjourned."

"My own fault really," Cyril sighed. "How do you teach mindfulness to people who don't have minds in the first place?"


End file.
